Humble Pie

Alright so this is no big deal. I skipped work and lied about it. Like a big- fat- excuse- that’s -plain-untrue lie. And it wasn’t the first time. It’s happened twice (not at the same place). This time happened on Friday. I think I got a headache because of it. The Holy Spirit is interesting b/c when you do stuff like that, you’re basically keeping a relationship with God to say that you really don’t want that stuff to happen in your life. So it was on my back the whole weekend.

You might be thinking ’so what’, right? Exactly. I got ready to go back to work on Monday and it just kind of washed over me…I need to come clean. I needed to apologize – as easy as it could be to let it drop. So I apologized (over e-mail). Why? The thing about our words – whether it’s in an e-mail (which, thank goodness for technology!) or whatever –  is that they define our character. What’s the big deal about lying? Of course I wanted a break, but the fact that I put my integrity on the line was…out of line. 

We don’t realize that our words are all we have sometimes. People believe a lot of what we say. It’s how we make friends and get our point across. They make relationships a lot stronger and move us to do pretty crazy things. People rally for words. Nations fall over words. I majored in words. We talk in words! Give them some credit.

So come Monday I sent an apology via e-mail. It was a horrible feeling. I’ve apologized before and it was the same sentiment. Why? It’s never a great idea to break your word. It’s never fun seeing how easily you messed up. There’s no relief in asking forgiveness, only reality.

God has a way of putting things before your face. I fall every second. My words falter, fail, and completely fry my testimony – sometimes for no obvious reason. I’d like to say those were the only times I’ve let my words stain my testimony, but it hasn’t been. Even today.

So when I say that this is no big deal it’s more b/c my thinking is wrong. It is a big deal. Every word I utter is a big deal. Every word I hear is a big deal. I’m meant to glorify God and so – make no mistake – nothing you’ll hear me say is supposed to be pointless, foolish, or flagrant. I’ve got a purpose to glorify God and no lies, noise, or other untruths should stop that and get in the way. That’s huge.

Breathing Life

There’s this beautiful song by the Christian band, Salvador called “Breathing Life.” You should definitely Google it. The gist is that God breathes new life into our veins and it’s so true. 

This morning my devotional was so on target that I think God was just breathing new life into me even though I’m still the same old person, same problems, same situation. 

We go through a lot during a day and lately I’ve been trying to go through less and less. Less preparation for class, less preparation for myself, more sleep. I’ve been letting myself become less involved with my work and actually being downright annoyed. What’s worse, I’m learning that I’m a pretty good complainer. That’s horrible! What a trait to have so young. It’s like I’m going through high school all over again. That wasn’t the most uplifting time for me and so it was convicting to read 2 Peter 1:3-4.

“His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.”

I have this phrase in my mind a lot because Christ has conquered the world: “God has already defeated this.” Whatever I let drag me down (and I’m realizing that ‘down’ really has no depth, it can just get lower and lower, as low as you want to go), God has already defeated it. I have to live as a conqueror if I have faith in the Lord because He has conquered my sins and He has conquered my life. Amen!

So I’ve basically got to wake up. Just get out there and not act so defeated. And God shows me in little ways that He’s right.

Example 1: I got to go to the Ladies Retreat and on the way there (I was actually pretty excited about it) I saw eagles flying overhead. Eagles! They were BEAUTIFUL! And I recalled how God allows us to soar on His wings in those times when we need someone to carry us. Thank you God.

Example 2: I was running around on Sunday, trying to get myself to be friendly, catching up with friends at church, saying goodbye to a really sweet family that’ll be leaving because of a great job the Lord has given them, and I got caught up in the happiness of what was going on around me. I was doing my thing and never knew an old friend/boyfriend was at the same church the whole day. Crazy (b/c he lives in another country). Imagine me running into him without being prepared…I really have no idea how I’d react. God has a way of keeping us in the shade of His hand when we aren’t ready for the sunlight. Amen.

So I read on. “If we were to take each phrase of these verses to heart, our lives would have absolutely no room for worrying or fretting, no room for complaining or for feeling inadequate in our Christian life, no room for laziness or depression. God’s provisions are perfect and always on time for His children.” Hm…He’s always on time. That was good stuff.

The Lord knows His child and I can’t testify enough of how much He still cares for His child. Our God is SO loving! He knows my desires and what I cry to Him. He cares daily. But He doesn’t stop there. He will meet our needs. I don’t have room for worrying or feeling inadequate or…ok I’ll say it…being lazy. He has already met my need. There is no one and nothing else so above and beyond what we seek in life. He is the breath itself.

Excerpts from Henry & Norman Blackaby “52 Week Devotional: Called & Accountable, Discovering Your Place in God’s Eternal Purpos

Unstuck

I’ve been stuck for a while and sometimes you just don’t want to get unstuck. Sometimes you want to stay that way for a while and just…feel sticky. So things have been pretty sticky for me. Sticky and sad.

I have to be honest – breaking up is the worst feeling in the world. Being apart from someone you loved and imagined being with mentally, sprititually, physically, emotionally…it’s the worst feeling when it leaves you. I didn’t know it was possible to wake up crying. My heart goes out to people dealing with heartbreak. I hope none of my sisters ever go through it. Honestly. I can’t even fathom the issue of divorce – even the consideration hurts my heart.

Lately I’ve had the strongest desire for heaven, for peace, for real joy where not even the slightest concern or tear comes to your eye. I want to walk with God in person. It’s so hard to find someone who will always be there, who will be an actual hand to hold, arms to hug you…someone who will be what you’ve been waiting for on earth.

But for the moment, I’m unstuck and moving on. I still have hands and arms that can hug and need to be hugged. I’m still alive, so heaven’s just a little too out of my reach. I can go one more day at least. The next thing to do after that, I’m not so sure about.

Love then do what you please

Hope lives on

I was reading ”Bring the Rain”  – a blog on the story of Audrey Caroline (it’s beautiful, please check it out) and wanted to share this to encourage you today. The words are from a grieving mother. The love God has for us comes through even in the questions, fears, and confusion. God is still with us …

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

The Lord walks beside me as He walked beside Moses, and He knows me by name.  He loves me, and I love Him.  I pushed my baby through the reeds and never saw her again.  And yet, here I am, worshipping the God who allowed it.

I know.  It appears to be an unbalanced courtship.  

I want you to know that as I type these words I am sitting in Starbucks, crying my eyes out, begging God to move my fingers and convey where my heart is resting now.  While I was sitting in church yesterday, I found a page of notes I had taken when I was reading the book “Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ” by Madame Guyon a few years ago, and I saw this quote.

“Love, then do what you please…” (St. Augustine)

I am not ashamed to say that I believe the Gospel is true.  I believe that He died for me, that He knows the number of hairs on my head, and that He keeps my tears in a bottle.  I believe there was a real man named Moses, and that the Lord really parted the waters.  I believe in the scarred hands and feet. I believe in the providence of God, even when it feels contrary to what my heart desires.

I have seen the way my Audrey has brought people to the cross.  I have seen the way she has impacted my own life, and the lives of people I may never meet.  It doesn’t mean I don’t want her back, or that I never hurt or doubt.  I do. Every single day.

Scripture says that the Lord Himself buried Moses, and to this day, nobody knows exactly where his body lies.  We do not know what Moses said to God as he breathed his last breath, but we know that he fulfilled his purpose on this earth.  

In his case, it was 120 years.  In Audrey’s, it was less.

I have written more than I meant to, and if you have made it this far, I want to encourage you in your walk today.  He has not abandoned us.  He is the God of the River, the God of broken dreams and crushed spirits, the God of Moses, the God of you.  He is trustworthy, and my prayer for you today is that you will press into Jesus as the words spill like broken perfume through the pain…

Love, then do what you please.

I AM

Hope for those who need it now

The promise from God to everyone who believes in Him…

I Am by CeCe Winans

I am the one yes I created the whole universe
Greater than anything in heaven and in all the earth
It’s my air you breathe so I’m the one that you should please
I am the one you need why should you be alone?

I am that I am
I’m all that you need
I can yes I can
no it ain’t too hard for me
Do you know, really know, do you really believe
Every day, every night of your life
I am

It hurts my heart indeed to see those whom I love in need
Knowing all I wonder why they never call on me
If you just ask and I can satisfy you with the things
I’ll give you everything, yes you can have it all
I tell the sun to rise, the wind to blow, the rain to fall
I move the mountains and the oceans rivers great and small
Yes everything I made I want to hear them give me praise
Especially you my children each and every day

I am that I am
I’m all that you need
I can yes I can
No it ain’t too hard for me
Do you know really know
Do you really believe
Everyday
every night
of your life

I am…

 

It’s a blessing to teach

(adults) haha

I’m up too late, but I’m thankful. I’m just going to share a little of what I’m getting to experience at my job…

The instructions are to write a little about yourself and turn in at the end of class. One student wrote this and it made my heart so happy I had to share. There wasn’t a lot to the letter, but it was enough to understand a little about my student and a little about me too. The student simply wrote:

“I am a Korean and Christian….I am a generous and outgoing person…I wish I can speak English very well…I will overcome my situation.”

It was enough for me. Amen, amen, and amen.

I can try to work with that. Through the grace of God, and other believers, I will overcome my situations too.

Holding out for perfection

“People didn’t used to expect the perfect job,

the perfect partner, the perfect life.

People were hoping for a good-enough life.”

- Psychology professor Barry Schwartz, commenting on young adults’ inability to make major life decisions because they think a better option might present itself, www.usatoday.com, March 24, 2008.

From Discipleship Journal, issue 166

From this month’s Discipleship Journal

“THE MIND OF MAN PLANS HIS WAYS, BUT THE LORD DIRECTS HIS STEPS.” Proverbs 16:9

In this month’s Discipleship Journal, Paula Rinehart writes on releasing regret – overcoming the questions and doubts from the past and letting God’s sovereignty overtake us. She encourages us to not look at years as if they’ve been wasted (such an evil lie!). As believers in Christ, we have a different way to live: “If we make the journey of life in Christ well, we will eventually come face-to-face with the sovereignty of God.”…

Good news: “The God who spoke the worlds into existence and keeps the stars in place is the GOD who knows you like no one else ever will. He has always loved you. He will love you to the end. His purposes for you are so set that you can rest every minute in the shade of His merciful superintendence over your life.”

Lord, you don’t even know

Lord, you don’t even know how important this is to me! I want to see this relationship work! I was praying to God this morning and had to laugh as I was hearing myself. This is God I’m talking to. Oh wait, you completely know. In fact, you know more than anybody just how much I’m wanting things to work out…

I’ve been praying to God for some pretty big, pretty direct ways I’m asking Him to guide me. And I’ve been letting Him know in no uncertain terms that I’m leaning on Him for direction. What I’ve found so far is that…

He wants to know our hearts: delicately, He listens to us – He doesn’t make us feel foolish for our desires, our shame, our confusion. He let us come as we are, and He just listens. In a way better than any friend can listen, He leans in and shares with us. The intimacy and understanding of our Father is greater than anything of this world. “my sheep hear my voice and I know them, and they follow me.”

He delivers: He doesn’t leave us wondering. He speaks to us…like He spoke to Elijah in the tiny whisper. In so many different ways, He shows His glory. Now, it might not be in the exact answer that I want, but if I look back at the moments I’ve spent talking with God, I see Him working through my life and through other believers around me. More than encouraging, it’s awesome. “in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”

He never leaves: no matter where we are, He’s there. Sometimes I feel so alone in situations that I just want to shut down. But whatever I’m thinking, He’s there – in just random ways I see. A memory, a beautiful day, a Scripture passage that drives home…He has not forgotten me. ”God will never leave us nor forsake us.”

Believe, God knows. God knows more than I can even try to understand.

Be blessed.

It’s me O Lord

Sometimes we need the Lord a little more than we did before

And it’s ok to let Him know

Who we are

As a child of God,

As HIS child of God

I don’t know what’s happening

with my relationships, with my career, with the rest of my life

And I’m coming to God

Because I have no idea how I can make it

But He has to know that I need Him

He has to know that it’s me here who’s talking to Him

It’s me on my knees in the need of prayer.

I know He hears that.

Like Gideon, we have the ability to shoot a prayer to God like an arrow in our time of need. We pray because as Christians we believe God takes us farther than this world can carry us. He supplies all our needs and gives us life to the full through His provision – in this life, and the same promise after this life is over and we’re face to face with God. Doesn’t mean we won’t have problems…does mean we have hope…our trials have already been conquered.